NETWORKING THROUGH INTERCOURSE©
Hal T. Horowitz
Hal T. Horowitz
Financial Pro Solutions
Okay, we all know what networking is about. You know someone who knows someone who knows someone until at some degree, generally 1 through 4, that network contact and you have a common interest, or, more importantly in business, a need and or product, service or idea for which you have an counter product, service or idea, or need. Then you get together, needs get satisfied, and voila, it’s a win-win plus you’ve expanded your business network, a basis for future business.
Unfortunately, it seems that the need to network has expanded to almost obsessive-compulsive behavior, overshadowing the reasons for networking. In today’s job market for example, people who are out of work are attending job fairs in record numbers, getting themselves invited to a variety of business and social events just to meet people, and, of course, becoming LIONS in online networking groups such as Linkedin, Plaxo, Facebook, and hosts of others in the hopes of hooking up with someone who can provide them an introduction to some nth-degreed potential employer, but more often than not, meeting other job hunters, a slew of recruiters, career coaches, résumé writers, and occasionally an old classmate, all well intentioned, perhaps, but not necessarily the best use of a person’s time. The reason for that is not because networking is a waste of time, but the intensity with which it’s done forces us to communicate with closed minds; we are too focused on our objective. We don’t have a hidden agenda, it’s right out there for everyone to see.
“I’m looking for a job; if you can’t help me, don’t talk to me.”
As a result, the speaker/networker/job-hunter is anything but a listener, and is not likely to hear opportunity when it does come rapping softly at his or her door. We are becoming the ten thousand people, maybe more, that Paul Simon and Art Garfunkle warned us about some 42 or so years ago, “People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening…” and the problem is, we’re not getting anything out of our conversations.
For example, assume you’re at a mixer and in casual conversation a banker gives you his 15 second elevator speech then mentions that he’s looking for someone who can provide the equity side of a $1.2 million property renovation that his bank would like to fund. Well, heck, you’re just a treasury analyst, your last job was in a windowless office recommending cash movements for your employer, what do you know about equity players? So you say, “Sorry! No can help!” Then you go on to find someone else who may know about a job for you.
What just happened there? You missed some keywords, your mind was closed except to what it was hoping to hear, and you may have just blown a chance to meet someone with a growing company – YES, even in today’s recessionary times – that might have a need for someone to move his cash around. But you didn’t ask, did you? If you had asked to meet them, good for you. You obviously haven’t lost the ability to combine original thought and speech. But if you did miss that opportunity, a good guess would be that you are conducting most of your job search online and through social media.
You need to pick up the phone more often. You need to get out more. You need to start speaking to strangers. And if your mother says you’re still not supposed to do that, threaten to move in with her and let her start paying your bills, watching your kids, and cooking your dinners. Or just tell her that it is okay to talk to strangers. You’re an adult and you are being very discriminate about the people with whom you speak and the topics you discuss. It’s really okay, Mom.
The fact is, conversing when networking has features in common with just about any other types of conversations you may have from time to time with friends, family and associates, mostly the fact that it is a two-way process; you are not lecturing; you are not speaking to hear the sound of your voice; you are not zoning out. If you are doing any of those things, then what you are not doing is conversing.
THE ART OF CONVERSING
Except for the occasional dolt who ended up where he or she is by some unknown intervention, all successful people know how to communicate effectively through conversation. To be able to articulate a thought and to listen to others is to promote an image of self-confidence, intelligence, wit and sensitivity. It is not enough to just be able to speak effectively; despots have done that for thousands of years. Big deal. It’s equally important to hear – and heed.
So let’s start talking to each other. And listening.
Conversations can be broken down into three phases.
Phase one is small talk, often an ice-breaker. Dictated by social mores small talk includes polite greetings, inquiries about the thoughts of others, etc. This is where you find out enough about the other person to continue into more in-depth subjects. It can be as innocuous as, “Great weather, huh?” or as meaningful as expression of an opinion on a generally accepted topical subject. Meaningless inquiries about the state of one’s health or being, are not small talk, unless they are asked with true interest in the answer, whatever that may be.
Phase two is the end of the small talk and moving on to the purpose of the conversation such as learning about each other; what you each do for a living, how your business is doing, sharing your personal views and opinions on deeper subjects. A lack of either participation or listening is likely to either push the conversation back into small talk, or end it entirely.
The third phase of conversation is a deeper and more meaningful and freer-flowing intercourse based on the development of a relationship between the conversant. It is NOT the purview of this blog to address that further. For most business networking relationships, a fair exchange of ideas can occur at the second level.
You do not have to be either a wit, or a genius to have a conversation.
What you do need is an open mind, a willingness to listen, and the self-confidence to express your own point of view, ask questions, and offer suggestions. If you are a dedicated subscriber to the adage that it is better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt, then you will be thought a fool and you will miss the many golden opportunities that having a conversation can offer. By the way, that statement has been attributed variously to Abraham Lincoln, George Eliot, Groucho Marx and Albert Einstein, none of whom, whichever truly coined it, kept his mouth closed, and none of whom any of us would consider a fool.
Perhaps the most common reason, I would venture to say, that candidates are not hired for a particular position is not that they do not know how to do the job, but that they do not know how to articulate that they can and will do the job.
So let’s review the basics of having a good phase-two conversation.
1. Listen. That doesn’t mean hear. It means hang on every word your other conversant are saying. Don’t start planning your response. Don’t worry if that person of the opposite sex in some other group has an eye on you. If you are not focused on what is being said, you will misinterpret the conversation or miss it entirely. When you are on the phone, don’t worry about texting someone else, or checking to see who’s written on your Facebook wall. And while reading someone’s text or IM, don’t just scan it, but look at each word to comprehend its intent. Ask yourself what is her point? What does he mean by that?
2. Understand through paraphrasing. That is paraphrasing, not parroting. (Remember Active Listening?)
For example, “Our company is going to be downsizing.”
“Oh? You’ll have to be letting people go?”
The response might surprise you. “No, we’re just dropping an unprofitable product line and moving our resources around to take greater advantage of them.”
Or, “Our president is leaving.”
“Was he let go?”
“No, he’s retiring, but he’ll be staying on as chairman of the board.”
If you don’t understand what is being said, you will neither add value to the conversation nor gain anything from it. If necessary, ask for the statement to be rephrased.
“We’re going to be implementing a new data-cap control system.”
Uh, oh. “Cap” can mean capital, capture, capability, or even just cap (as in lid).
So try, “How does that work? I’m not familiar with it.”
3. Avoid being ambiguous yourself. As you saw above, words and phrases often have multiple meanings. In a business or networking conversation your time is valuable, so choose your words pragmatically rather than philosophically. Although context can often help qualify the intent of what is being said, an occasional question such as, “Do you understand what I’m referring to?” can often illicit a needed response for clarification.
Also remember that acronyms mean different things to different people. AFL, American Football League or American Federation of Labor? ERA, Equal Rights Amendment or Earned Run Average? AML, Anti-Money Laundering or acute myeloid leukemia?
4. Contemplate your response. Tweaking one of the examples above, think how you might feel if someone told you that the president of his company was leaving and knowing that the person who said that is next in line to step into the president’s position, you said, “Wow, I’ll bet that will make you happy,” only to have your conversant say, “No. He has AML and he has to step down. We’re really going to miss him.” An ill thought out contribution to a conversation or an untimely response can have a devastating effect on the discussion – and leave you a little less thought of.
5. Respond honestly and with meaning. Say what you think, not what you think others want to hear – unless you’re applying for a position as a sycophant. Express yourself in a positive and non-threatening way to illicit equally open and honest responses. Don’t be afraid to disagree, but when you do, state your reasons. “Yes, cost cutting is important, but I think we ought to explore ways to beef up our revenues before having to let people go. If we can increase our sales, we’ll need those people to be ready to handle the surge in orders.” And remember, if you don’t mean it, don’t say it.
6. Remember to whom you are speaking. Sounds silly, but take a moment to register the names of the parties in your conversation. It shows focus and detail to attention, and name recognition is a highly appreciated display of respect. If the parties are many and you have difficulty with names, do the best you can and try to pick up names from others’ usages. There are ways of learning to improve your memory which you might want to research, but the best thing you can do is pay attention during the introductions.
7. Don’t be afraid to take and/or share control of the topic. If a conversation moves from one discussion to another and you want to bring it back to the fact that you’re looking for a job, it’s okay to change its course provided you are not interrupting someone or arbitrarily cutting off a discussion when others still feel they have an opinion they need or want to express. But be careful when changing subjects, not to lose your audience or let your conversation drift back to small talk.
8. Use questions to stimulate thought in others. It’s been said that he who asks the questions controls the conversation. I won’t necessarily go that far, but there is tendency among sales people to ask questions and because questions tend to get answered and answers lead to knowledge and knowledge is power.
9. Pay attention to your word flow. Think a bit ahead when speaking (it’s not that difficult) and eliminate the uhs, ers, and ums, from your speech. Also, drop those damn annoying constant phrases like, “You know,” “You know what I mean?” “Awesome!” as well as overused, meaningless expressions such as, “…happy camper,” “…rock and a hard-place,” “…fire in the belly,” and so many others. Just cut to the chase. (Sorry, but “you get my drift?”)
10. Pay attention to your words. Action verbs have power; I-messages have their place, but pronouns like WE or OUR or US as opposed to I or YOU or ME create team-think in the mind of your audience. If your interviewer asks, “How did you reduce your month-end closing time?” An appropriate answer might be, “I automated our sales reporting by rolling out a program where all our salespeople got Blackberries and reported sales instantly from the field.” But a question like, “How would you reduce OUR month-end close?” might be more effectively answered, “We can provide our sales team with Blackberries so they can report sales on a daily basis instead of at the end of the month.”
11. Speak plainly. It is better to be hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobic, than a compulsive polysyllabricator, a pedantic elocutionist or a sesquipedalian rhetorician with a propensity for hyperarticulation and meretricious grandiloquence.
12. Speak assertively and confidently. No, not aggressively, abrasively or arrogantly.
13. Deal with differences of opinion professionally. Avoid confrontations. When you encounter a difficult speaker, don’t allow your frustration in making a point to compromise your self-control or your manners.
14. If you have a sense of humor, use it. But don’t force it. Humor can often help get a conversation over a rough spot, alleviate tension, remind us not to take ourselves too seriously, and it can open a door in someone’s mind to allow more creative thinking. Forced humor is not appreciated and can actually shut down a productive interchange of ideas. All humor should be appropriate and not offensive.
15. Body language counts. That includes crossed arms, clenched fists and scowls; also smiles, good eye-contact and voice inflection. When your conversation is on the phone, your smile, your tone of voice and your attention to what’s being said are very important. Taken together they create an image of your body language. By the way, eye-contact is not staring. It’s connecting.
These rules apply to most conversations in most business contexts. Whether you meet someone at a networking breakfast, join a group of coworkers for lunch or take a client to dinner. Of course, at some point the conversation will have to swing around to the necessities of doing business, but we tend to want to do business with people we trust; we tend to trust people we know; and we tend to know people who talk to us. They also apply to teleconferences. And unless the person interviewing you has no interview skills and treats all of his applicants to a Q&A session, your conversation skills will have significant value to you in job interviews.
And who knows, sometimes a good phase-two conversation can lead to a good phase-three conversation. Oh, one last rule.
16. Know when to shut up.
Hal Horowitz is a principal of Financial Pro Solutions, an Executive Search firm focused on finding, qualifying and introducing top financial professionals for key V- and C-level positions. He has over 40 years of serving financial industries having held senior and executive level positions in credit, risk management, operations, marketing & sales, and executive search. He also provides résumé writing assistance, job coaching and other candidate services.
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